Buffalo Trace Bourbon: the Secrets are Revealed!

Apr 1

🥃 Tortured Bourbon: April Fools’ – The Buffalo Trace Secret Revealed

What’s the secret behind the most hunted bourbon in America? After decades of rumors, marketing myths, and fan theories involving haunted rickhouses and mash bills blessed by bourbon monks, Tortured Bourbon finally reveals the truth.

And friends… it’s vodka.

Specifically: Wheatley Vodka—distilled at Buffalo Trace by the same legendary crew behind Pappy, Taylor, and Stagg.

🎭 Bourbon or Bluff?

In our 80th episode—and our most unhinged yet—Heather and B don lab coats, cowboy hats, and possibly lose their grip on reality to uncover the “real” secret behind Buffalo Trace Bourbon. What begins as a straight-faced tasting spirals quickly into cuneiform conspiracies, bison visions, and an actual vodka showdown.

We’re not saying Buffalo Trace is secretly vodka.

We’re saying… it might be.

🧪 The Lineup: Vodka Tasting Like You’ve Never Seen It

This isn’t your average spirits review. We did a triple-blind tasting (sleep masks included), matched dramatic vodka monologues with tasting notes, and even evaluated High Noons like they were Pappy Van Winkle.

Here’s the tasting table from this spiritual spiral:

Wheatley Vodka – Smooth, triple-filtered, and masterfully distilled. The “Buffalo Trace of vodka,” if you will.
Social House Vodka – North Carolina’s own. Local, clean, and proud.
Tito’s Handmade Vodka – The icon. Texas forever.
Smirnoff – Global workhorse. Saved Stalingrad. Pairs well with Cold War flashbacks.
Ketel One – Dutch class in a bottle. Tastes like it read poetry once.
Absolut – Art school in a glass. Peaked in the ‘90s.
Deep Eddy – Comes in more flavors than sense. Likely made a cameo at your worst party.
High Noons – Aged in stainless steel for at least four minutes. Sparkling regret never tasted so summery.

🧠 The Revelation

Yes, this is a parody.

Yes, it’s also the most fun we’ve had in front of a camera.

Wheatley Vodka is made by the folks at Buffalo Trace. And while it’s not the secret mash bill of the gods, it is proof that great spirits come in many forms. So whether you’re sipping high-rye bourbon or a High Noon on a pontoon, we say: drink what you love, and don’t take it too seriously.

(Except us. Take us very seriously.)

📺 Watch the Full Madness

🎥 Watch now: The Buffalo Trace Secret Revealed

Come for the insight. Stay for the High Noon breakdown and Katie’s existential vodka tasting notes.

🔥 Final Thoughts

If Buffalo Trace is a national treasure, then Wheatley is its underground sequel. This April Fools’ episode is a tribute to every bourbon nerd, vodka sipper, and friend who ever said, “I don’t even like vodka, but…”

Join us in raising a Glencairn (or a red Solo cup) to the most ridiculous, ridiculous-good review we’ve ever done.

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💻 Head to www.torturedbourbon.com for blogs, episodes, merch, and more.