Cock of the Walk

This rooster rules the yard.

Best in town, first in class. Rare, dignified, distinguished. This is the kind of bourbon that earns a spot on the top shelf—and your emergency “impress the in-laws” stash.

Hush Your Mouth

Better than grandma’s biscuits.

It’s rich, it’s refined, and it’s dangerously easy to sip neat. The kind of pour that makes you stop mid-sentence and reevaluate your entire whiskey budget.

That Dog Will Hunt

Reliable, loyal, and faithful.

This is your go-to daily pour. Dependable and well-made, with enough complexity to impress without needing a flow chart. Just pour, sip, and smile.

Bless Your Heart

Honey, you tried.

Not terrible, but also not something you serve straight—unless you’re trying to clear a room. Better with Coca-Cola or buried deep in a cocktail. We salute your effort.

Piddlin’

Not worth the label.

Thin, rough, and forgettable. This is the bourbon equivalent of your cousin’s garage band demo tape. Avoid unless you’re reviewing it… or lost a bet.

How We Use It

Every bourbon we taste gets one of these rankings—whether it’s a $20 bottom-shelfer or a $200 unicorn. We rank based on:

• Flavor profile

• Balance and finish

• Price-to-enjoyment ratio

• Whether we actually want a second pour

If you’re watching an episode of Tortured Bourbon, you’ll hear us drop these rankings after every tasting. And if you’re new to the show—bless your heart and welcome.

Welcome to the Tortured Bourbon Ranking System—our patented (okay, not really) way of telling you just how good a bourbon is… or isn’t. We’re not here to throw out star ratings or decimal points. We’re here to give you rankings that actually mean something—especially if you’re from the South.

Here you’ll find our five-tier system, from glorious pours that make angels sing to bottles that should come with a mixer and a prayer.