The Rickhouse Rant, Vol. – Mellow Corn: Cult Classic or Corn Catastrophe?

Jun 24

Alright folks, pull up a chair and grab a glass—unless that glass is full of Mellow Corn, in which case I advise you to throw it in the fire and reevaluate your life choices.

Let’s start with this: I remember the worst movie I’ve ever paid to see. Spawn. Yeah, that one. A cinematic acid trip with less narrative structure than a fever dream and special effects that made me long for the days of Pong. I’ve seen some bad movies since, but that one stuck. Just like the whiskey we’re about to discuss.

Enter: Mellow Corn.

I’m convinced the folks at Heaven Hill cooked this up as an elaborate prank on America. Step one: give it a name that sounds like a knockoff cereal. Step two: slap on a label with the color palette of Mellow Yellow meets a ‘70s NASCAR wreck. Step three: bottle something that tastes like regret and broken dreams. The result? Mellow Corn Straight Corn Whiskey—a product with the aesthetic of expired mustard and the flavor of wet hay. And somehow, somehow, this stuff has a cult following.

Let’s pause there. Cults aren’t typically a good thing. Jim Jones had a cult. Marshall Applewhite had a cult. And don’t even get me started on the Real Housewives franchise. If you’re using “cult status” to market your whiskey, maybe aim for something a little more bourbon nerd and a little less documentary on Netflix.

The Specs (for those still reading):

Mash bill: 80% corn, 12% rye, 8% malted barley
Distiller: Heaven Hill
Proof: 100
Age: At least 4 years (Bottled-in-Bond)
Color: Officially “pale straw,” but let’s call it what it is—pollen runoff yellow

The Taste:

Y’all, I tried. I really did. But Mellow Corn tastes like what happens when you steep dry cornhusks in pond water and filter it through drywall dust. It’s chalky. It’s grassy. It’s aggressively not sweet. You want flavor? How about old attic or drought-season lawn clippings? I took a sip and immediately had flashbacks to cutting grass in July and chewing on a pollen-coated garden hose.

The Verdict:

Not good neat. Not good in a cocktail. Not good at parties. Not good with friends.

At 100 proof, it does make a cool-looking blue flame when you pour it in the firepit, so there’s that. But unless you’re trying to cleanse your backyard of mosquitoes or make a point at a whiskey tasting, just pass.

And the “Cult”?

Who are these people? What’s their idea of a good time—microwaving school cafeteria pizza from 1995 while watching reruns of Walker, Texas Ranger? If that’s your thing, rock on. But I’ll be in the corner drinking something that doesn’t taste like haunted corn syrup.

Final Thoughts:

Mellow Corn isn’t the worst whiskey ever made—it’s just the one that haunts me. Like Spawn. Both should have come with a warning label, a shot of penicillin, and a firm shake of the head from your older cousin who knows better.